We interrupt our ongoing coverage of today’s emergency with late-breaking news from the field: something worse is going to happen tomorrow.
Today’s events have been uniquely harrowing, never before seen in the history of our country. But unfortunately, tomorrow’s developments will have you looking back fondly on today’s crisis, remembering when things were refreshingly simple.
While the specifics of tomorrow’s news are still unfolding, we can confirm it’s something you never would have guessed. It exists firmly outside the realm of your current worst-case scenarios, which is really saying something.
Early reports suggest that upcoming events were previously reserved for dystopian science fiction novels. Our correspondents are standing by to explain how we’re seeing something completely unprecedented, describing the unfolding situation as “like if today ate yesterday.”
In fact, yesterday’s headline “catastrophe” is now being referred to by our newsroom as “the good old days.” What we once referred to as a national emergency has been retroactively downgraded to “a bit of unpleasantness.”
Early responses from local and national politicians have ranged from performatively outraged to performatively dismissive. Meanwhile, social media reactions are pouring in across platforms. Bluesky users are up in arms about the political implications, while Elon Musk has already responded on X with a 🤣 emoji.
Stock market analysts and various psychics are already warning that tomorrow’s events may have significant implications for the day after tomorrow, which sources describe as “likely to be even worse somehow, but we’re running out of imagination.”
We’ll continue our coverage as this story develops (and civilization declines).
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