The following dispatches from the comedy mines are submitted for the public record.
Another day down the shaft. Word is Donald Trump has gone and done something crazy. I spent all day breaking rocks with the rest of the comedy miners, trying to find jokes, but we all know this vein’s been dry since 2017. Sure, you might find a small nugget of “weird unexplained rash” or “giving workers the middle finger” once in a while. But the rich stuff — the Drumpfs, the Covfefes — that’s long gone. Won’t see deposits like that again in my lifetime.
Yesterday’s haul: two puns plus a callback with nowhere to start. Morale continues to sink. Two men nearly came to blows over a worthless premise about Logan Paul becoming the next Ayatollah.
This job used to mean something.
Old Pete won’t leave the Kardashian seam. Been working it since 2012. He thinks there’s still something in the rock. Says the kids want their Kylie jokes and their Kendall jokes, and if he digs long enough, there will be a market for North West. Poor bastard’s lost his mind.
Jenkins quit last week. She got good, clean work making Facebook content for a regional insurance broker. Says she’s never been happier. Good for her. Good for her.
Sam Altman announced today that he can’t parent without ChatGPT. Nearly lost three men in the resulting irony collapse. Why the hell are we down here digging if they’re going to dig even deeper on their own?
I’m slipping. Fell asleep on the job chasing a Gilbert & Sullivan parody about Kristi Noem. I thought if I just kept pushing, I’d discover a way to rhyme “Modern Major General” with “Filler-Filled War Criminal.” You’d think an old prospector like me would know when a claim ain’t worth the digging.
I reckon I have what every comedy miner knows will eventually end them. Grey Lung. Too much weed. But there’s just no laughing these days without it…
Many men are giving up on the mine. They say there’s richer territory in Texas, where the jokes are still fresh. That there’s “black gold” in every Joe Rogan podcast. I don’t buy it. I think they’re digging for something besides comedy out there… Grievance? Protein powder?
Whatever it is, I don’t need it. I’ve got an idea. Something fresh. It could be the mother lode…
Damn. That idea I mentioned? It turns out there already is a “grumpy cat.”
We keep digging.
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