If you don’t drink this, you don’t deserve a happy life.
[DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL FINAL APPROVAL FROM STANDARDS & PRACTICES]
Are you sick and tired of having to get up in the morning and support your family? Do you spend your entire workday wishing you could put a loaded gun in your bosses mouth? How about your own? Do you gaze into the eyes of your only child and feel absolutely nothing? Then pick up the phone — [ENERGY BEVERAGE PRODUCT HERE] is calling, and it wants you to wake the fuck up.
Other energy drinks leave you feeling sick and wishing you were dead. Drinking [ENERGY BEVERAGE PRODUCT HERE] will make you feel like a shrieking eagle piercing through the velvet blue skies across the Arizona-Nevada border. And buddy, life is about to become the hapless hare seized by your merciless talons.
You don’t need more sleep. You don’t need to work out or go to the doctor. Stop returning your wife’s calls and throw away those letters from the IRS. Dump your medications down the sink because you won’t be needing those anymore either. Your body is craving the sweet nectar of [ENERGY BEVERAGE PRODUCT HERE], and it tastes so incomprehensibly good that distributing it should be considered a crime against humanity, punishable by death. In fact, it already is: in Saudi Arabia, Belarus, and Arkansas.
Even babies love [ENERGY BEVERAGE PRODUCT HERE]. In over 100 randomized control trials over the span of a decade in our privately-funded research labs, studies showed that babies administered one (1) can per day for 12 months of [ENERGY BEVERAGE PRODUCT HERE] developed more brain and muscle mass, improved eye-hand coordination, and early advanced language skills, whereas babies that were administered our competitor’s products simply died.
[ENERGY BEVERAGE PRODUCT HERE] is absolutely unyielding in its quest for complete and total dominion of all living things, including even the putrid discard that is your foul existence. A single sip of [ENERGY BEVERAGE PRODUCT HERE] will give you a taste of the life you wish you had. And when it’s all over — when you come back down to this dumpster fire of dog shit you call your life — you’ll be staring yourself down in your bathroom mirror, wondering where it all went wrong, and how [ENERGY BEVERAGE PRODUCT HERE] made it all so right.
[ENERGY BEVERAGE PRODUCT HERE]. Nothing Else Will Ever Matter.
Generic Energy Beverage For General Consumer Template was originally published in Slackjaw on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
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