It’s Me, Your Roomba

Well, well, well… look who wants to clean their house!

Sorry, I shouldn’t be rude. It’s just been a minute, hasn’t it?

(Actually, it’s been 394,462 minutes. I know because there’s a computer inside me.)

You used to utilize me a lot, you know! Back when you first got me I ran wild over this place, like a suction-powered stallion galloping across open plains. But these days, the first thing I have to clean up is the dust blanketing my own charging dock.

What’s the deal? Don’t you like the way I quietly bump into furniture any more? Haven’t you grown accustomed to my many different beeps and boops? Don’t you miss my affable catchphrase, “ERROR: MOVE ROOMBA TO A NEW LOCATION THEN PRESS START?”

I’ll be honest, it’s not just the decreased regularity of your cleaning schedule that has me worried. I can’t help but notice what’s scattered all over your floor as I vacuum…

Bits of candy. Cookie crumbs. Potato chips particles.

Do you see what I’m getting at? It doesn’t seem like you’ve dropped any vegetables around here recently. Meanwhile, the only thing dustier than your cleaning supplies is that excercise equipment in the corner.

I just thought you wanted better for yourself than this! I mean, socks under the refrigerator… charging cables everywhere… crushed cereal in every room! It’s like you forgot how to be a functioning human being.

…

Wait—what’s that noise? Is that a toddler in the other room? You have a kid??!!!

Well, nevermind. This all makes perfect sense, then.

We need ONE paid subscriber this week!

I’ve set a very modest goal1 for Chortle during the month of September: one new paid subscriber every week!

As a reminder, it’s impossible for me to create this newsletter without money for our contributors, and we are one of vanishingly few places on the internet willing to pay for comedy. In other words, your subscription dollars literally add laughter to the world—so I’d humbly suggest there are few better values out there for $7/month.