Sung to the tune of “The Monster Mash”
Singer: (with an Alan Alda/ Hawkeye voice)
I was working in the O.R. late one night
When the nurses all screamed at a freaky sight.
I spoke to Colonel Potter with a signature zinger,
Then I noticed a zombie who looked like Klinger!
(He did the mash!) He did the Monster M*A*S*H
(The Monster M*A*S*H*) It was a ratings smash!
(He did the M*A*S*H) A mid-October splash,
(The Monster M*A*S*H) It made some prime-time cash.
The souls of our soldiers never went to heaven,
They’re on Earth haunting unit 4–0–7–7.
Quicker than the choppers, a vampire arrived,
He went to the officers’ club, and no one survived.
All around our camp, these creatures wanted to harm me,
They were backwards and heartless like the U.S. Army!
And then a hairy, scary cyclops showed up to feast,
Our nurses are familiar with another one-eyed beast!
Father Mulcahy attempted his first Exorcism,
The mess tent replaced the food with cannibalism.
A giant black tarantula had Trapper John trapped,
While a Mummy twisted Radar’s neck until it snapped.
Next came Zombie Corporal Klinger in a blood-soaked Sari,
With a Korean folktale cryptid called “Bulgasari”.
Colonel Potter tried to get away, fleeing on his horse,
They were captured and devoured by a very hungry corpse!
A zombie caught Rizzo, now his head was brainless.
I was starting to think, “suicide is painless!”
Then a 9-foot-tall ball of slime made my stomach churn,
While a werewolf howled and disemboweled Major Frank Burns.
I tripped on a severed head that looked like Uncle Fester,
It belonged to a decapitated Charles Winchester.
From a distance, the zombie Colonel Blake was getting near,
(He’s not nearly as dead as McLean Stevenson’s career!)
A mutant mosquito flew off with Hot Lips Houlihan,
And that bug became the envy of every single man!
B.J.’s blood was gushing out after his throat was slashed,
While a goblin ate his face, but choked on the mustache.
They say war is hell, but hell’s not half as bad as war,
And this Halloween horror brought on 5 times the gore!
Like the conflict in Korea, we lost lots of good men,
To my friends, all I can say is “Goodbye, Farewell, Amen!”
(They did the mash!) We did the Monster M*A*S*H
(The Monster M*A*S*H*) It was a ratings smash!
(We did the M*A*S*H) A mid-October splash,
(The Monster M*A*S*H) It made some prime-time cash!
To watch Kevin read horror-themed humor live, stream in / attend the NYC Halloween “Slackjaw: LIVE” on 10/12.
The Monster M*A*S*H was originally published in Slackjaw on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
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